The Holidays

I have mixed feelings about this holiday season. This is my first Christmas with Jon as a married couple, and it is also Dylan's first Christmas. I feel as if this is supposed to be a very special holiday season, since it is the first one with my new family, but I'm actually feeling a little sad about it. The anatomy scan and heart echo are scheduled December 23, the day before Christmas Eve.  I was told that Eli has higher than an 80% chance to have a heart defect, and deformities are also likely. They originally thought that the main problem was a heart defect since it was so high for so long.  If this is the case, it is going to break my heart because that means that he will have less of a chance to even make it to term. How am I supposed to be happy and joyful after this? I also feel really guilty, like I am taking away from Dylan's first Christmas experience. I know that she is still really young and doesn't know the difference, but I want to be able to look back and know that I made her first Christmas a special one. It is so hard to balance my focus between everything that is going on in my life right now. My appointment is two weeks away, and I can honestly say that all I want for Christmas is to hear good news about Elijah.