16 Weeks

Jon got me the ring in this picture as an early Christmas present. It is Eli's birthstone, the Emerald, in many cultures it represents healing and fertility. 

First Letter To Elijah

Eli,

It's been about three months since we found out that we were being blessed with another child. Your daddy and I were so thrilled to find out that Dylan was going to be a big sister and we knew that the two of you would be best friends. Unfortunately we were told that we might not have the chance to meet you, but I have all the hope in the world that one day we will be able to look into each other’s eyes and embrace each other. You are the son that I have always dreamed of, and I will love you no matter what may happen. You are truly the strongest most beautiful baby, and I have a feeling you are going to be quite the little warrior. When I fall asleep at night I like to think about what you will look like, I'm guessing that you will have a dark head of hair, the most beautiful blue eyes, and a smile that would make anyone's heart melt. I don't know if you can hear me yet, but whenever I rub my and sing a song, it is my way of telling you that I love you. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I just want you to know that I am always thinking of you and that the love I feel for you will only grow stronger everyday.


Love always,

Momma

He's starting to grow!

... I know I am.

Where do I go from here?

It is so hard to stay strong while all of this is happening to me. Some people make me feel as if this isn't that big of a deal, and I just don't understand this at all. Maybe it is because they haven't had a child, or that they haven't actually seen the baby that is growing inside me. Either way, everything will be much more realistic when he is born, and I have no idea how I'm going to handle it.  My whole life I've always pictured myself having a son, even though I am thrilled to have been blessed with a girl, I always imagined myself having a little boy. When I heard the news that I was having a boy and that he is not healthy, it broke my heart. What was even worse was when I had to share the news with my husband, which was the hardest moment of all of this. I wish that I didn't have to share the pain with him or anyone else, I wish I could take it all away. I can't even leave home because I'm so scared of seeing a happy pregnant woman or a small baby, or having someone ask me when I'm due. It is all just too hard for me. I'm good at putting on a happy face when people ask me "how are you?" and I always respond "I'm good," but in all honesty that question breaks my heart, I have no idea what I am supposed to say. Some days I just wish this could all be over with, but then I have to think about how I am Eli's mother and I need to do as much as can to be there for him and in the end hope that I do get to spend some time with him as his mother. I still can’t talk to anyone about this, I just can’t seem to say the words out loud, so often times I feel alone.  Every day I find the strength to move forward, and I know that strength is my husband and daughter, I know I could not do this without them. But the image of having Eli look into my eyes while I hold him one day is the main reason why I choose to move forward with this pregnancy, I need to meet my son, I need to be his mother.

A Song For My Beautiful Boy

Beautiful Boy- John Lennon

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But i guess we'll both just have to be patient
'cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Darling, darling, darling
Darling sean

A Name

Finding a name for our little boy was so important for Jon and I, we searched through almost every boy name out there, or at least it seems like we did. We just felt like none of the names were special enough for our son. The first and middle names we chose are the two names Jon and I had fallen in love with long before we found out that we were having a boy and of his health condition. It feels so good to be able to call him a name other than "him" or "it," this little boy is special and he deserves to have a beautiful name. We named our son Elijah Alexander. We will call him Eli, which means uplifted, and his middle name means warrior, so fitting for such a strong little boy.

A little more info

I want to thank everyone who has had us in their thoughts and prayers, I know that I could not go through this without the support of my loving husband, family and friends. After receiving the news, Jon and I went to the hospital to meet with my doctor and a genetic councilor. The genetic councilor discussed Trisomy 13 with us in greater detail and gave us a general idea of what to expect. Unfortunately because the baby is a boy he has a little less of a chance for survival, girls usually tend to be a little stronger in the uterus. We were told that the best chance to be able to meet our baby alive would be to induce labor around 20 weeks, but of course the baby would pass away soon after. If we choose to take the pregnancy to term he will most likely be stillborn, but there is a little chance that he might be able to live for a few hours or days if we are lucky enough. We have not made any decisions yet, all we know is that we want to do whatever it takes to be able to meet our son. We were told that if we plan to try for more children in the future, which we want to, there is a slight risk for something like this happening again. Normally they would put me at zero risk, but because I am so young and this is happening they are a little baffled. This day has been absolutely heart wrenching, but Dylan has been my one little ray of sunshine throughout the day, and all of this makes me realize how special she really is.

Sad News

We found out this morning that the baby is a boy. He has Trisomy 13, which is the most fatal of the options we were given. If I carry him to term he will most likely be still born, if I am induced early there is a chance I might get to spend a few hours or a few days with him. Please pray for us.

Waiting

This morning I talked to the nurse to see when they would hear the results from my CVS, she said that the lab was going to fax the results in the afternoon. After spending the entire day next to the phone the nurse called around 4:30. She told me that the lab wanted to continue working on it overnight and I should receive my results in the morning. I'm quite devastated that I have to wait even longer, and that Jon won't be there with me when I hear the results. I will update in the morning after I hear the results. Thank for all of your thoughts and prayers.

CVS #2

Today's CVS procedure went a lot better than the last one. My uterus was not as tilted this week and had grown quite a bit, so it went fairly smooth and only took about 5 minutes, the pain meds also helped me get through it too. The baby was cute as ever, kicking and it looked like it was waiving hello the whole time. We were very relieved to find out that tachycardia is gone, the heart rate went down to 162, which was great news! We will find out the results, hopefully, by next Wednesday. I'm really anxious to find out the sex of the baby, it's really exciting to be able to know so early on. I scheduled my 20 week ultrasound today as well, it will be on December 29, and they will also do an echo at that time to check and see if the baby has a heart defect. Overall, I am feeling a lot better today, but still wishing I didn't have to play the waiting game.