I've been wanting to write a post for a long time now, but I just don't know what to say. It's so hard to express in words how I've felt over the last seven months. I'm sure this will probably be the first of many new posts because I have so much I want to say now that I'm mustering up the strength to talk about how I am doing.
The first few months I think I was just in shock, I couldn't believe everything that had happened, I felt as if I was in some terrible dream and all I wanted was to wake up from it. But eventually the cards stopped coming in the mail, there weren't anymore "how are you doing" phone calls, and it just seemed as if everyone had gone back to the way things were. This is when it all hit me. I remember thinking to myself, how can I go back to my normal routine? I felt like if I did that then I wouldn't be acknowledging that it even happened. The truth is nothing is ever the same anymore. Even today I will break into tears in public if I see a boy that is around the same age as Elijah would be. I panic whenever someone asks me how many children I have, I always answer two, and just hope they don't ask what ages they are so I don't have to fight back my sadness. I still have nights when I cry myself to sleep and wonder how I can possibly go on with my life without him. But somehow I'm pushing through the darkness, and though I'm not seeing the light yet, I know I'm making some progress. I keep a large photo of Eli on display in my living room, and in a way it makes it seem like he is always a part of things and it allows me to see him everyday. The Truth is I don't want to "move on," because I feel as if that means I'm leaving something behind. I don't want to forget about Eli, he will always be a part of me, and I want to be a mother to him even though he is not physically with me. I don't want him to see me hurting, instead, I want to make him proud.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
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Eli's Story
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About Me
- LC
- I have such an amazing family, I am so blessed. My husband Jon and I have a beautiful daughter named Dylan who is constantly making us smile. We also have a son, Elijah, who has changed our world and touched our hearts. Even though he is an angel now, we will always embrace and celebrate his life.
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20 comments:
You make us all proud. I cannot imagine how you feel and know that you are doing the best you can. Hurting is okay. Being sad is okay. You will always be Eli's mom and he will never be forgotten.
i don't like the phrase "move on" either. my daughter's loss will always be with me. i like to say that i'm living with her loss and miss her everyday. it's been six months since my daughter's death and although i know people still care, it's hard when the only thing that really seems to help is time. good luck sweetie.
Elijah will always be a part of your life so in a way you will never "move on." You are still living your life and he is a part of it now and always will be.
Just like the others said, you will always be Eli's mom. I am praying for you right now.
I don't think you ever fully "move on". My grandma lost her 6 week old to SIDS in 1963 and she tells me that she still thinks about him all of the time. She tells me that, in time, you just find your own special way to keep them with you, not matter what you do.
I'm sure that Eli is proud of you. He knows how much you love him, and how wonderfully you took care of him while you could. He knows how strong you've been, and how great of a mother you are to his big sister. I'm sure that he's very proud of you.
There isn't an instruction manual for this. :( Just know that a lot of us remember him, too -- Elijah is not forgotten.
Even a stranger in Wisconsin was deeply touched by Elijah and your strength through your loss. I've thought about you alot over these months... it was good to see a post from you. Continued prayers...
Thank you for this post--an acquaintance of mine in Bible Study lost her child in October. This was a great reminder for me to KEEP praying for her. To KEEP sending her cards...it may be that she needs the support now more than ever.
I'm still thinking of you and praying for you too.
Please know that you and your family are still in my thoughts.
Jen
I still think about you and wonder how you are doing. I'm margeincharge from TB. I remember the strength and grace you showed throughout your pregnancy. Eli will never be forgotten. I can't imagine how the past year has been for you. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Eli will never ever be forgotten, especially by you. He is proud of you; his amazing mother. It's ok to hold on to his memory and never let go. Keep that memory alive in any way you wish. I have not stopped praying for you. <3
Always loved, Never forgotten.
<3 Lena
My miscarriage was a horrible experience to go through. Going what you've gone through is unimaginable, even to me and those with pregnancy losses, who've experienced something horrible.
You, and others around you, will never forget Elijah. No matter how much time passes he's still with all of us. It's important to have time where you can cry and be sad about it. But it's so important to remember that the best way you can rejoice in his life is by being the wonderful mother like you are to Dylan. Taking care of his sister in the best way that you can will show Elijah what a wonderful family he is a part of. He won't want to see you crying in bed. He wants to see you outside playing in the snow with Dylan, or going to the park, or playing on the floor with her. He knows you've not forgotten him. None of us have.
I even mentioned you in conversation with some friends last night. Elijah's memory is alive in more ways than you even know. You and he have touched so many lives. Be happy and celebrate him. Your loss was Heaven's gain and someday you will be reunited.
For the time being lets just do more bumpie gtgs and support each other through our endeavors. You are a strong woman and we are all very lucky to know you.
Hoping to see you again when the weather gets a little nicer for travel! :)
Debbie33Casey on TB/Debbie Allen
Laura, I just happened to come across your blog for the first time, I just want to thank you for sharing your story. I wish I could have discovered it sooner so that I could have been a part of this journey as well, praying and sending positive thoughts to you and your family all along. Your strength, all though you may not feel it, is inspiration, and it reveals itself through your beautiful photography and the way you capture life. Eli is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen, his spirit just shines through in each of his photos. Thank you for sharing such a precious gift with all of us. As a mom of four boys I know how special our sons are to us! As a photo a day blogger who was focusing on Resolutions this week, I feel like I may need to change my direction and capture something just a little more special. Thank you for the inspiration, and please keep posting!
I've been reading your story since the beginning. Elijah is an amazing spirit and you, him and your family have touched thousands of hearts if not more. Your journey has been so inspirational and everytime I read I can't help but cry, not only for you,Elijah and your family but for every family that has been through anything similar and I cry knowing how perfect Elijah is and how he watches over you everyday. Right now he has his heavenly father with him comforting him in the same way your family is here on earth. You and your whole family is always in my mind and in my prayers. Thank you for sharing such an incredible journey.
Elijah will never be forgotten and you never have to "move on". I never will. My daughter is my daughter and she is apart of my everyday life to this day, almost 8 months later. I understand the feeling you get when asked how many children you have. I think of you and your family often, and most definitly Elijah. I know he was probably one of those who greeted my daughter into heaven May 18th 2010. You gave me courage to stay strong and your son's strength made me so proud when my daughter Ava fought for 10 hours to live herself. Our angels are beautiful and perfect. They fought so hard to give us our sweet time together. Memories we will hold onto forever. Do you know about Molly Bears? She makes bears in the weight of your angel. I have ne being made for Ava. Maybe the bear hug from heaven will bring you some comfort.
I haven't checked in on your blog for a while but I was just reading your latest post and looking at the photos again. You and your family are still in my thoughts. I am still sad that you weren't able to spend longer with your gorgeous little boy. He won't be forgotten, ever.
I also wanted to add that as a complete stranger who stumbled across your story, I have often thought of you and your sweet baby boy. Your story has touched more people than you can ever imagine. I have regularly checked your blog in hopes that you have written. I am so glad to see that you are going to keep it going. Know that although there may not be cards or phone calls coming that you are thought of and prayed for by many.
Still praying for you and your family. Your strength is inspiring.
I hope you are doing well. You and your sweet boy are thought of often.
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