The Field

This song may not fit to my situation perfectly, but the lyrics are just so powerful to me. I often lay in bed at night and asking myself the same questions Mason does in this song. I know Elijah is in a better place right now, a place without any heartache or pain, but sometimes I can't help but to think that the best place for him should be in my arms. I named my blog Embracing Elijah because I knew that whatever happened to him, we would never let go of him, we will always embrace him wherever he may be. 

Mother's Day

Today was my first Mother's Day as a mother. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about today. I am so lucky to have such an adorable and healthy baby girl, but I also felt extremely sad today because I was unable to spend it with my beautiful son. I went to visit Elijah today and it was very emotional. I think as everyone is going back to work and as life is getting back to it's normal routine, the reality that Elijah is gone is really starting to hit me. I keep having to ask myself "what do I do now?"

I'm really struggling with how to feel about everything that has happened. I know that I need to face reality and get back into a normal routine, but I think a part of me is afraid to do that because I feel like going back to everyday life means that I'm somehow abandoning him. I don't want to just move on with my life, not without Elijah. Everyone always tells me how strong I am, but it is really hard for me to see that sometimes. I'm sure things will get better as time passes, but I know that the pain will never completely go away. Dylan has definitely been my ray of sunshine throughout this whole experience, she always knows when I need a hug or a kiss. I hope she understands one day how lucky she is to have a little brother watching over her.

While today was very difficult, probably the hardest day for me since Eli's funeral, I still felt very grateful for my two beautiful children. Being a mother has changed my entire outlook on life, and I am so thankful for the joy that Dylan and Eli have brought me. I read this poem on a blog that I follow and it made me smile, I hope it can do the same for other mothers of angels out there.

"The Busiest Day In Heaven"


It's the busiest day in Heaven

I'm planning a big surprise

To let you know I love you

And that no one ever dies



Even though your down below

And I am up above

I'm sending you my wishes

And all my angel love



It's really quite exciting

To plan this big event

For lots of gifts will come your way

And all are Heaven sent



First I'll take a bubble bath-

My splashes might cause some rain

But knowing all the fun I'm having

Will help to ease your pain



Next I'll get some pictures

In my halo and gown

So when you get to Heaven

You can show me all around



I have color crayons in Heaven

And I will draw some stars so bright

And place them in the sky today

For you to see tonight



Then Jesus will have story time

And I will sit upon his lap

He'll tell me all about you

Just before I nap



I'll awake full of energy

And play a game or two

Before I finish sending

All my love to you



After snack I'll write a song

For all the birds to sing

And know I've made you happy

With all the joy it brings



At night time I'll be tired

But I'll still hold you tight

My arms will wrap around you

And keep you through the night



And when you finally slumber

I will kneel and pray

Asking God to bless you

On this special Mothers Day



Love,

Your Little Angel

One Week

It has been one week since we welcomed Elijah into our world, giving birth to him was the most amazing experience of my life. I hope to write a birth story sometime soon but it is still a little to soon to do that, talking about him brings me to tears. My tears aren't always sad ones though, we were so blessed to have Elijah with us for twelve hours when we were only expecting to have minutes with him. He was so beautiful, he made all the little grunts and cries a newborn makes, and we even got to change a poopy diaper. Those twelve hours were so special to us. Eli passed away peacefully resting on my chest, he just simply stopped breathing. Having Elijah has changed our lives forever, and in a good way. Because of him I focus on the positive things in life, because of him I love more. On his one week birthday we remember the happy moments we spent with him, but we also remember the moment we said goodnight to our angel. Rest in peace Elijah, this is not goodbye, you will always be with us.