I Want To Make You Proud

I've been wanting to write a post for a long time now, but I just don't know what to say. It's so hard to express in words how I've felt over the last seven months. I'm sure this will probably be the first of many new posts because I have so much I want to say now that I'm mustering up the strength to talk about how I am doing.

 The first few months I think I was just in shock, I couldn't believe everything that had happened, I felt as if I was in some terrible dream and all I wanted was to wake up from it. But eventually the cards stopped coming in the mail, there weren't anymore "how are you doing" phone calls, and it just seemed as if everyone had gone back to the way things were. This is when it all hit me. I remember thinking to myself, how can I go back to my normal routine? I felt like if I did that then I wouldn't be acknowledging that it even happened. The truth is nothing is ever the same anymore. Even today I will break into tears in public if I see a boy that is around the same age as Elijah would be. I panic whenever someone asks me how many children I have, I always answer two, and just hope they don't ask what ages they are so I don't have to fight back my sadness. I still have nights when I cry myself to sleep and wonder how I can possibly go on with my life without him. But somehow I'm pushing through the darkness, and though I'm not seeing the light yet, I know I'm making some progress. I keep a large photo of Eli on display in my living room, and in a way it makes it seem like he is always a part of things and it allows me to see him everyday. The Truth is I don't want to "move on," because I feel as if that means I'm leaving something behind. I don't want to forget about Eli, he will always be a part of me, and I want to be a mother to him even though he is not physically with me. I don't want him to see me hurting, instead, I want to make him proud.