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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Pregnancy after a Loss

So many times I start a blog post, but I still never know what to say. The pain and heartache is just as strong as it was a year ago. I still think about Elijah multiple times a day, I still cry because I miss him, I still hurt because I don't understand why he was taken from us, I still love him with all of my heart. I am beyond thrilled to be expecting another little boy in just about two months, but going through pregnancy after a loss has been a roller coaster of emotions.

I keep looking at where I'm at in my current pregnancy and I can't help but to think about what I was going through last time, and the fear of something happening is still there. This baby has appeared to be nothing but healthy my entire pregnancy, but I still can't fully comprehend that everything will be okay, and that I will be able to hold a healthy baby boy in the end. And then sometimes I feel guilt about both the past and for the possible future. There are times when I feel as if I could have done more to help Elijah, somehow I could have saved him. I know deep down that this is completely irrational, but I think it is just me looking to blame someone or something. I also feel somewhat guilty about having another baby, like since I became pregnant everyone has forgotten about Elijah and that the new baby is somehow a replacement. Once again, I know this is irrational. But I can't help but to think about taking him home from the hospital, sharing our first Christmas together, watching him take his first steps, these are the things that I will never get to share with Elijah and it breaks my heart.

 Despite all of this, I know I need to find a way to push through the pain and heartache, I need to find a way to be happy and to cherish every moment I have with my living children. This new baby is such a blessing and one that I refuse to take for granted. Someday I will tell this little boy about his big brother. How strong he was, how handsome he was, and how very blessed he is to have a big brother watching over him.

8 comments:

Mrs. B

Praying for you. Look how far you have come & know that Elijah will never be forgotten. I was actually thinking about him just the other day. Your blog (little did I know at the time) would help me with our pregnancy. I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Christine

Oh man Laura. You are both strong and wise. BECAUSE you are aware of all this inside, that only makes you stronger. You amaze me with your strength even though you doubt it yourself. Elijah is so proud of you and will love his little brother so much!! He knows how you feel and knows he's your son and both a younger and older brother. Hugs!!

Ali@LastSplash

I still think of Elijah, too. And although I have never experienced what you went through, I can tell you from close friend/family experience that you do find a way to love the new little one just as much as you loved Elijah.

There is room for both of them in your heart. Love you!

Anonymous

I followed your pregnancy from the Bump, and my little one and I still pray for you. I think of you often and admire your courage in being such a wonderful and selfless mother. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers for a safe and healthy delivery. I also include your son, Elijah, in many prayers. You have truly touched my heart.

Anonymous

I just came across your site, from the bump, and had tears reading your story. You, and your family, are beautiful inside and out. I pray for you and your family and little elijah.

Julia Nickell

Hi, you don't know me but one of your friends passed your blog along to me. Like you, I have a little girl who is a source of joy for us. And similarly to you, I just lost a son about 2 weeks ago. He had a congenital heart defect and although he had two successful operations in his first month of life, he passed away suddenly at 7 weeks. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. I miss him so much! Looking at the pictures of your beautiful little boy brought tears to my eyes, because no parent should ever have to go through what we've been through. I have also wondered many times what it will be like to get pregnant again, and I appreciate your honesty.
May God fill your heart with joy as you anticipate this new baby.
~Julia

Anonymous

I found your website last year and you have been on my heart ever since. Your precious son Elijah crosses my mind often. May your delivery with your newest little boy be a safe and healthy one.

Alexa Lytle

I have been feeling very similar. I am now 35 weeks pregnant with my "rainbow" baby. I think of Ava everyday, and I wonder if I could have saved her...when reason tells me I couldnt. I am praying for you and your little one. I know our children are watching us from heaven and our little ones have an amazing angel for a big sister/brother.

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