So many times I start a blog post, but I still never know what to say. The pain and heartache is just as strong as it was a year ago. I still think about Elijah multiple times a day, I still cry because I miss him, I still hurt because I don't understand why he was taken from us, I still love him with all of my heart. I am beyond thrilled to be expecting another little boy in just about two months, but going through pregnancy after a loss has been a roller coaster of emotions.
I keep looking at where I'm at in my current pregnancy and I can't help but to think about what I was going through last time, and the fear of something happening is still there. This baby has appeared to be nothing but healthy my entire pregnancy, but I still can't fully comprehend that everything will be okay, and that I will be able to hold a healthy baby boy in the end. And then sometimes I feel guilt about both the past and for the possible future. There are times when I feel as if I could have done more to help Elijah, somehow I could have saved him. I know deep down that this is completely irrational, but I think it is just me looking to blame someone or something. I also feel somewhat guilty about having another baby, like since I became pregnant everyone has forgotten about Elijah and that the new baby is somehow a replacement. Once again, I know this is irrational. But I can't help but to think about taking him home from the hospital, sharing our first Christmas together, watching him take his first steps, these are the things that I will never get to share with Elijah and it breaks my heart.
Despite all of this, I know I need to find a way to push through the pain and heartache, I need to find a way to be happy and to cherish every moment I have with my living children. This new baby is such a blessing and one that I refuse to take for granted. Someday I will tell this little boy about his big brother. How strong he was, how handsome he was, and how very blessed he is to have a big brother watching over him.
After several ultrasounds and two CVS tests, it was confirmed that our son, Elijah, had Trisomy 13. He had several defects such as extra fingers, cleft palate, no lenses (eyes), enlarged kidneys, two vessel cord, the right side of the heart appeared to be larger than the left, and a few more things. Although Eli had many complications, he was both perfect and beautiful to us. He has opened up our hearts to what love truly means. We were not sure if he would make it to term or through labor. Around 35 weeks it became obvious that Elijah's growth was slowing down. I was induced at 37 weeks, and Elijah Alexander was born at 2:30 am, April 25, 2010, weighing 4 lbs. 15 oz. He was absolutely beautiful. He lived for 12 beautiful hours, and at passed away peacefully at 2:30 pm, April 25, 210.
- I have such an amazing family, I am so blessed. My husband Jon and I have a beautiful daughter named Dylan who is constantly making us smile. We also have a son, Elijah, who has changed our world and touched our hearts. Even though he is an angel now, we will always embrace and celebrate his life.