So many times I start a blog post, but I still never know what to say. The pain and heartache is just as strong as it was a year ago. I still think about Elijah multiple times a day, I still cry because I miss him, I still hurt because I don't understand why he was taken from us, I still love him with all of my heart. I am beyond thrilled to be expecting another little boy in just about two months, but going through pregnancy after a loss has been a roller coaster of emotions.
I keep looking at where I'm at in my current pregnancy and I can't help but to think about what I was going through last time, and the fear of something happening is still there. This baby has appeared to be nothing but healthy my entire pregnancy, but I still can't fully comprehend that everything will be okay, and that I will be able to hold a healthy baby boy in the end. And then sometimes I feel guilt about both the past and for the possible future. There are times when I feel as if I could have done more to help Elijah, somehow I could have saved him. I know deep down that this is completely irrational, but I think it is just me looking to blame someone or something. I also feel somewhat guilty about having another baby, like since I became pregnant everyone has forgotten about Elijah and that the new baby is somehow a replacement. Once again, I know this is irrational. But I can't help but to think about taking him home from the hospital, sharing our first Christmas together, watching him take his first steps, these are the things that I will never get to share with Elijah and it breaks my heart.
Despite all of this, I know I need to find a way to push through the pain and heartache, I need to find a way to be happy and to cherish every moment I have with my living children. This new baby is such a blessing and one that I refuse to take for granted. Someday I will tell this little boy about his big brother. How strong he was, how handsome he was, and how very blessed he is to have a big brother watching over him.